Thursday, March 27, 2008

If I Wasn't Rich

A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?".

His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know I would marry you no matter who gave you the money".

Hey! I like this gOOgle

Saturday, March 22, 2008

The old boat

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it. Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbour woman,MariBeth, mistook Joe for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

MariBeth fainted.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A helping hand

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?""I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you; I will not lie.""With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.

"When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

"The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."Next."

Friday, March 14, 2008

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well,
I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he
said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do
we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on
the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but
I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out
a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on
the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider their mother was so difficult to
work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to
the park to get the job done right. People were
crowding around four and five deep to get a good

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide
with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they
actually chewed on your,'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll
set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted